Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
