He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize