Four minutes until I can fart!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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