Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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