Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
