Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
