Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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