You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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