I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
