i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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