I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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