I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
