Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my being single is dangerous.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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