i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
