After last night, I could never be a politician.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I pour the whiskey from now on
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
