There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
my liver is dry heaving
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
