So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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