he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
