Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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