My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Terrible idea I love it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
