i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
