If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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