just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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