i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
