I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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