Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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