it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize