bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
FUCK WHALES
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