if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
