i think my tv is drunk
accomplished twins. life is a go
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
