the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
