I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
