All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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