Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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