Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
