my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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