It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
