whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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