i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
