Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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