my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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