Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize