Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
