I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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