I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
