i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I want to be your penis for a week.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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