Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
