So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
