Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
