I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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