Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
