omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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