Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
