It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
