I seem to have left my pride at pride
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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