Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
