I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
